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15 Things I Want my Daughters to Know about Being a Good Friend

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I have two daughters in high school. Someone pour me a glass of wine. Seriously!

Actually, my girls are pretty awesome. But even my sweeties can get caught up in girl drama from time to time. And, if we’re being honest, as moms, we want to run from the drama, kicking and screaming. But, there is so much to learn and talk about through these fantastic opportunities for growth. Check out a few lessons we’ve learned from dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions that is teen-girl friendships!

15 Things I Want My Daughters to Know 2

1. Think about how you are treating others, more than how they are treating you.

The middle and high school years can cause otherwise normal, healthy people, to become overly egocentric. Being a good friend means you are thinking more about how you can love others than how they are loving you. If everyone does this, then everyone is being loved, cared for, and thought about. When we shift our focus from, “how am I treating you?”, to “how are you treating me?”, we get all huffy and bent out of shape over all of the ways our friends fall short. When we focus on, “how can I love you?”, we are more attentive, thoughtful and quicker to offer grace.

2. Don’t stir the pot with drama.

There is always one, sometimes two, girls who bring on the drama in every group. I do my best to tell my girls often, “don’t be that girl”.  Drama is really about bringing attention to yourself, and feeling like you are in control of others. It’s usually based on hyper-emotions, quasi-true information, and a whole lot of misinterpreted junk. Drama is never helpful. Ever. Take it from someone who was a whole-lot-o-drama in the past. Drama comes from a place of deep insecurity, and can be toxic. Do your best to diffuse drama when you see it. Speak truth bravely, and don’t be manipulated by it.

3. Be mindful of manipulation.

Girls can do this in such covert ways, it should really be considered an art. But, it isn’t Christ like. It isn’t helpful. It isn’t part of being a good friend. Manipulation is about holding something over someone in a way that shows you are in control. Withholding friendship, turning others against someone, threatening to tell someone’s secrets, are just a few of the games girls play. They say,  “I am in charge here, so you better, grovel, ask forgiveness, or do what I want, or else”.  Again, I say, “don’t be that girl!”. Be the girl who keeps her friend’s secrets, who quickly reconciles, and who includes others, not excludes them. God is not manipulative, and Jesus never held anything over our heads. Be the type of girl who offers friends safety and security, instead of constant mind games!

4. Forgive freely. Don’t make people work for your forgiveness.

Not forgiving is about holding power over someone, in the same way manipulation is. Friendships aren’t about power, they are about encouragement. Christ freely forgives, and so should we. It doesn’t mean we don’t get hurt, and it doesn’t mean we don’t draw boundaries. But, being a good friend means making it easy for your friends to admit they are wrong. Chances are you will need to be forgiven at some point, so offer to others what you hope they would offer to you.

5. Encourage other’s strengths, don’t point out their weaknesses.

Be the girl who is confident in who God has made her. So much so, that you are easily able to call out a friend for all of the things she does well. Point out your friend’s hidden talents, cheer for them when they make the team, and congratulate them on an opportunity that you wish you had been given. Speak life to your friends, and avoid being overly critical. Most likely, your friends are more than aware of all of the ways they fall short. Encourage them in the ways God has gifted them. We are all good at something, and your friends successes don’t have to mean your failures. They can be your successes as well!

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6. Listen.

Be a good listener. Take mental note of what your friends say, and offer constructive feedback. As you get older, this will become easier, but you have to start somewhere. Are you someone who actually hears what her friends are saying, or are you too focused on yourself to get any thing?

7. Be “for” your friends. Choose them. Be on their side.

When someone is talking badly about your friends, stick up for them. Don’t join in, just so you can feel cool for a minute. Be the girl who has her friend’s back. Part of being “for” your friends is wanting what’s best for them. If you know a friend is in trouble, or is doing something potentially dangerous, love them enough to tell someone who can help. Even when it is hard, be the friend who looks out for her peeps well being.

8. Say hard things, gently.

Sometimes our friends need to hear the truth. However, when the truth is dripping with sarcasm and cutting words, it isn’t palatable. Be the girl who can speak the truth with grace, in a way that makes her  friends want to chew on it for a while. Pointing things out in a snotty, I-know-better-than-you, kind of way, is not helpful.

9. Protect their name.

Wherever you go, make sure that you are always mindful of how you speak about your friends. Make sure that you are never the one running your friend’s name through mud! Talk about them in great ways when they aren’t there. Tell others about all of their awesome qualities, and leave when the conversation goes in another direction.

10. Pray for them.

When you listen, you will know how to pray. When you are thinking through how to love them, you will know how to pray. When you spend your time with them, you will see areas of need and know how to pray. Ultimately, it is God alone who brings about lasting change. So commit to praying for and with your friends. Battle for them when they can’t battle themselves and battle with them when they can.

11. Don’t let boys get in the way. 

Seriously girls. When you get a boyfriend, don’t forget your friends. When your friend gets a boyfriend, don’t take it personally when she wants to spend some time with him. If you like a boy, but he doesn’t like you, but does like your friend, let it go. He wasn’t yours in the first place. Don’t ditch the girls for any guy. Remember if he is worth keeping, you won’t have to. 

12. When you are wrong, say you are sorry.

You will be wrong. You will do something to hurt your friend’s feelings. When you do, admit it, and apologize with sincerity. Sometimes, you won’t be sure if you are wrong. For the sake of unity, let your friend know that you value them, and that you are sorry if you have done something to hurt them. Be a big girl, and be honest with your shortcomings.

13. Pursue Jesus, together.

Pick friends who want to know Jesus as much as you do. The way they do that, might not look exactly like the way you do, but hopefully it will be their desire. If you are both pursuing the Lord, do so in a way that is mutually encouraging. Maybe read the same part of the bible together. Or, you could chat once a week about what God is teaching you. Find some way, no matter how young you are, to make your relationship with God,  part of your common ground.  If you have a friend who doesn’t know the Lord, pray for them, and openly share with them. Be there when they have questions, even if your answer is, “I don’t know, but maybe we can find out together”.  Starting this young, will build a firm foundation for your relationships with other ladies, later on in your life.

14. Serve one another, and serve others together.

Do things that are helpful, thoughtful and needed for your friends. If there is someone in your class, neighborhood or general circle of people, who is in need, serve them with your friends. You really get to know people, when you work along side of them. Be a part of what God is doing in your area, with your friends. And be the girl, who thinks about how she can serve her own friends!

15. Friends won’t be perfect, but they are worth it.

Your friends will let you down. They will hurt you, tell a secret of yours, or go after a boy you like. No friend is perfect. But, a good friendship is worth working for. It will require an investment of your time and patience. It will be messy, fun, and everything in between. Fight for your friendships. Work through hard stuff, so that you can continue to grow together. Pray for understanding. Friendship will cost you something, but you will be abundantly blessed by a strong, healthy friendship. So, don’t give up on people too quickly. Put in the time and energy to make your friendships great. Be that girl!

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Are you the mom of teen girls?

Do you lead a small group of girls who need to read more posts like this one?

Working with teen girls can be a struggle at times, but I have truly learned to love it! They are so full of life and energy and yes…lots of emotions. But, they need us to lead them well down the road to womanhood.

Which is tiring ya’ll! Can I get an amen?

I am all about speaking the truth to my daughters. And, I want to help busy moms and youth workers do the same for their girls. So, I wrote an eBook called the Girl’s Handbook to Life. It is everything I want my girls to know about friendship, faith, love and a whole lot more!

Because I know the struggle is real, I want you to have this eBook for your girls too, so its FREE! Just promise me that you will pass it on to some young ladies who need to read it! K?

Sign up here to snag your FREE eBook!

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22 Comments

  • Reply the SAGA by Steinsdotter

    Oh thanks, for this beautiful post.

    My daughter is soon 13, and there is a lot of girl drama going on, and I talk A LOT about how being a good person, a good friend.

    This list is so great, and you put this into word in a beautiful way.
    I will surely bookmark this, and use it for our next daughter-mother talk.

    xo.

    March 7, 2014 at 6:07 pm
  • Reply 12 Ways to Be a Good Friend…For All the Women Out There!This Life I Live | This Life I Live

    […] while ago I wrote this post entitled Everything I Want my Daughters to Know About Being a Good Friend. All of that is intended for the tweens, teens and college ladies, although us old folk could […]

    September 25, 2014 at 9:25 am
  • Reply 31 Days of Resources for Life: Done. - This Life I Live

    […] If you aren’t a subscriber yet, I would love to have join my mailing list! You will get posts sent directly to your inbox, and an occasional newsletter with all kinds of great, useful info! You will also get my free ebook, which is basically all of the things I want my daughters to know about basically everything! It is a great little handbook for girls and women of all ages! Here’s a sample! […]

    October 31, 2014 at 3:54 am
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  • Reply Brenda

    Great information for us older girls too.. :-)

    January 12, 2015 at 7:33 pm
  • Reply Rene'

    *Do what’s right, not out of the fear of God, or to be praised…do what’s right because it’s the RIGHT thing to do!!!!!
    Put others before yourself, drama is usually “selfish”. It’s also ugly!
    Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat to manipulation. It’s not good. That happens naturally when you have a healthy self image.
    Of course you should say your sorry…of course you should have the well being of your friends in your interest. Again…it’s because it’s the right thing to do.
    AKA: Use your brain!

    January 13, 2015 at 3:09 pm
  • Reply Ali Whitaket

    This is good. Have you seen it? Good to print out for both girls.

    January 15, 2015 at 12:10 pm
  • Reply Norma Fletcher

    I love the fact that you are a fabulous Mom and it shows in the way your girls behave. They are so sweet and loving. You are so sweet and good and you are the one to whom credit is due. Your siblings love you and look up to you. You are deserving, but do not act like it. I so wish we saw more of you and your sibs & families.

    January 17, 2015 at 12:31 am
  • Reply Amy

    I agree with all of these. I don’t have kids but I have recently had an ending to a friendship. My friend just didn’t make any effort in the friendship to hang out or talk or anything at all. So, I would also want my kids(future kids) to know that friends come and go. And if they ever feel like they have a best friend that is using them or taking advantage of them, then maybe they aren’t worth their time.

    January 20, 2015 at 11:38 pm
  • Reply Sammi

    I know you have daughters but the title should be 15 things I want my kids to know about being a good friend. My pet peeve is all of the stereotyping we as a society and as moms that we do. All of the advice applies to all children, not just girls. Drama applies to boys and girls. Stereotypes don’t serve a purpose except to continue to divide. Your advice is spot on, just wanted to point that out.

    January 23, 2015 at 5:50 pm
  • Reply monday: best of last week | The Misadventures of Kelly and Kelly

    […] 15 things I want my daughters to know about friendship (also a FB post and I don’t remember who but it’s great, thanks!) […]

    January 26, 2015 at 8:01 am
  • Reply Lena

    Thank you for a lovely post. This list is great for friendships of all ages! I’m an adult and I’ll be mindful of this list when interacting with my friends.

    January 28, 2015 at 4:38 pm
    • Reply Danielle

      Thanks Lena! I agree, these are things we should all keep in mind!

      February 1, 2015 at 2:47 am
  • Reply Rebecca

    Love this! Thank you!! Have just experienced our first middle-school girl drama this week. God’s timing is perfect in bringing this to my daughter and I!

    February 25, 2015 at 8:29 pm
  • Reply Lisa Godfrees

    This is such an amazing article. I read it a while back, then read it to my 5th grader, then searched for it again today because I wanted to refer back to it. Good job, lady. :)

    March 25, 2015 at 11:01 pm
  • Reply The Women I Want my Daughters to Be -

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  • Reply Mandy Julian

    So beautiful. I have 3 girls, 9th, 7th, and 3rd grades. So many of the advice is to ‘ditch toxic people’. I love your loving, God-honoring words.

    April 17, 2015 at 7:58 am
    • Reply Danielle

      Thanks Mandy! My girls are 7th and 9th grade as well! And yes, it is pretty hard to find the balance between drawing boundaries and just getting rid of people. Thanks so much for stopping by!

      April 17, 2015 at 9:23 am
  • Reply Anna

    I am a teen who is in middle school. My mom made me read this and I’m glad she did. I’m very happy to see that I’ve been doing most of the things on here. Thank you for this. It’s really helped!

    May 25, 2015 at 4:43 pm
  • Reply Kim Doran

    This could not have come at a better time :) Thank You…I was seeking the words and asked God to guide when I came across your words. As an adult it is common sense yet it seems even adults need to read over these 15 steps and get back to the beauty of friendship.

    I minister to women and am just now developing a group for teen girls…this will be most helpful. God Bless.

    May 6, 2016 at 10:05 am
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